Celebrate it bro! Mindfully of course, but I don’t think we should mask our joys to save anyone’s feelings. We do it too often and we suffer silently. We deserve space to celebrate ourselves, especially as willing and present fathers.
The bar is certainly low. And I also have struggled with the same questions as you. But when my own father put my daughter’s diaper on backwards (🤦♂️) I realized there’s at least been progress 🤷♂️😆.
Great post! Two things can be true, the bar is low and you’re a great dad. I haven’t watched the office either - I’m not big on dry humor. Also, I heard learning to latch can be such a thing. God bless the mommas out there.
The fact that you care enough to write these letters shows that you are a good dad. Good dads show up and do their best, even if it's not perfect. Sometimes he'll choose Mom, sometimes he'll choose you. Just keep showing up regardless. Yes, the bar is low, but you are so far above it. Keep showing up.
I discussed this with my godbrother before too, like how he got praised for taking care of the kids while his wife is away for work trip, while on the flip side when he goes on work trip, it's a "given" the mother takes care of the kids, no need for praising, not even worth a mention.
The bar is low for sure, but there is no need to measure against it. You're a good dad because you try your best with however you can!
My son prefers his dad now (my heart breaks a little!) and he's 5. I think there's always phases for this, but it's obvious why when they were much younger it's the mother they look for - we provide comfort AND the all important breastmilk, all in one go :)
Rachel I agree 100% I am definitely for fun, and my wife is definitely for comfort. But this morning, after a rough night, he reached for me instead of her this morning. Maybe he read this? lol
And it's sad that the bar is so low. I agree that it is. And I think a lot of men are missing out.
I've also noticed that at first kids bond more with their mothers, and as they get older both parents are valued, and then, older again, devalued for awhile.
Sounds like I just need a bit of patience. But I agree with you - I think a lot of men are missing out. I wish society taught men us that being a present parent is harder than any labor you can do outside the house.
Both are true. The bar is low and I am a good dad. My wife and I come across this issue once in a while. She hates that when she does her thing she is doing her job, but when I doing my thing I am a hero. It’s unfair, but reality, and I acknowledge it. Hopefully this can change with our generation. I know I’m a good dad because my son loves me, and we laugh and have fun every single day. Breastfeeding is bananas, I actually wrote a piece about our experience on substack. I left the city to give my kid a different life and while his life is FANTASTIC, I have lost a lot of my social connections. I’m trying to build new ones now. I desperately am trying to find a network of young motivated fathers like myself. Making some progress but it’s slow going. The writing helps.
Shah, I appreciate you showing up in this way and sharing your experience. You are a great dad! You sound just like me. In my 30s, I am in a new place so it's hard to make friends. Even harder when you become a dad! The writing has helped so much. People don't talk about how lonely it can feel to be a parent.
This one really got me. Partly because I grieve for all the moms who hold the slack for the dads who aren't culturally encouraged/ required to fully show up. Partly because you are learning something you never got a template for, and that's heroic... the stuff that moves humanity in the right direction. The reason we have kids at all: to do a little (or a lot) better for the next generation. But also, I feel for you. You are such a committed father because you are such a committed partner. And to be so impressed by you sharing the parenting load feels kind of... demeaning. Of COURSE you show up for Myles and his mom in all the ways you possibly can. You are worthy, thoughtful, generous and capable. I wish all that didn't come as a surprise.
After having a son, I really believe deserting a mother with a child is a form of violence. I know that is really harsh, but that's where I'm at after being a dad for a little over a year. Parenting is so hard. No one should do this alone. I appreciate you, and your kindness. Still swooning on our first interactions when we met ❤️
I feel sort of guilty reading this because my husband is an AMAZING parent. Some of it is actually just he HAD to pick up the slack. I was supporting us for awhile. Now there’s just stuff he is good at that I am probably WORSE at. So my own failings actually made my husband a better parent! And this is good for the kids, I think? By being a worse parent, I was a better parent? At least in the sense they have the most involved father imaginable. He gives me credit for showing him the ropes but it is all second nature to him at this point. Paradoxical that by not being able to be supermom I was a better parent in the sense they now have superdad. But it does feel unfair that so many mothers don’t have this, and the burden is mostly on them to be and do everything.
Beautiful letter. I am not a father, but I am married to an excellent partner. The way I know is that my kids (older now) cry for him and wait to tell him stuff when he gets home from work. When the kids are babies, yes I am their go-to. I am the food source. I am the cuddly. But as their needs become more complex, and their people-problems more complicated (bullying, friends stuff, etc.) I am grateful to have a partner like that. And he also "parents" other peoples' sons too with his community work. It is quite extraordinary to see the trajectory of his fatherhood. He was different at kid 1, and he's different at kid 3. Better with time <3 <3 <3 Thanks Marc.
I try to maintain the strictest of boundaries and never write about my spouse. It's too mushy for my biting tone and taste. Maybe it's time to write him a letter.
The bar is low AND look what happens when you clear your own bar, the one that I know is at a different setting than society’s bar. Dad’s are so special and amazing when they fill out the edges of what that word can mean. My dad was one of those. You are one of those.
This is so good. Your curiosity around parenthood/manhood/fatherhood is powerful.
Family,I’ve come to accept that this is my ministry. Hope to spread this love to every corner of the planet.
Powerful stuff, Marc. Really moving. Thank you for this
Thank you for being here, Jacob,
Great letter as always, Marc.
Appreciate you, brother.
Good dads ask these questions.
(Good moms do to.)
At some point, Myles might cry for you instead of his mom.
Remember not to celebrate.
(Because that will be hard for her.)
😁
This comment. 💝
I can’t promise I won’t celebrate when that day comes 😂
Oh you go right ahead and do that.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Let me know how it works out for you.
(Discreet celebration is highly recommended.)
I agree, don't celebrate too loud 😂
lol why?
Because it will sound like gloating and the woman who has grew that child inside herself may not be in a good mood.
But you shouldn't listen to me, Tobi. Call your mother and ask her.
(Unless your mother thinks you're perfect - in which case call the cranky aunty.)
🤣
Or try it. Then you'll have your own letter to post to Substack.
Listen, your wife may be a saint. Or not.
So go ahead and try it.
Come on and try it. This is going to be fun.
😁
HAHAHAHA, getting husbands to poke a buzzing nest eh?
I'll probably do that myself when I marry and become a father lool.
Actually, I often find telling people to do something while I am falling over laughing makes them think twice.
Telling them not to do it? A lot of people just say "you can't tell ME what to do!"
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Celebrate it bro! Mindfully of course, but I don’t think we should mask our joys to save anyone’s feelings. We do it too often and we suffer silently. We deserve space to celebrate ourselves, especially as willing and present fathers.
The bar is certainly low. And I also have struggled with the same questions as you. But when my own father put my daughter’s diaper on backwards (🤦♂️) I realized there’s at least been progress 🤷♂️😆.
Admittedly, I’m still averaging one backwards diaper a month 😂
😆 One per month for sleep-deprived parents is acceptable.
Does it fall off thirty seconds after you put it on?
If not, SUCCESS!
😂😂😂😂
hell no!! 😂😂😂😂
This made me audibly cackle. 🙏🏼
Thank you for doing the most and setting the bar higher. The future deserves it.
Appreciate you my brother so much. This is how we heal!
Great post! Two things can be true, the bar is low and you’re a great dad. I haven’t watched the office either - I’m not big on dry humor. Also, I heard learning to latch can be such a thing. God bless the mommas out there.
God bless them INDEED! Wouldn't wish what Maya had to go through on anyone!
The fact that you care enough to write these letters shows that you are a good dad. Good dads show up and do their best, even if it's not perfect. Sometimes he'll choose Mom, sometimes he'll choose you. Just keep showing up regardless. Yes, the bar is low, but you are so far above it. Keep showing up.
Janine, thank you for seeing me. You always say the kindest things!
I discussed this with my godbrother before too, like how he got praised for taking care of the kids while his wife is away for work trip, while on the flip side when he goes on work trip, it's a "given" the mother takes care of the kids, no need for praising, not even worth a mention.
The bar is low for sure, but there is no need to measure against it. You're a good dad because you try your best with however you can!
My son prefers his dad now (my heart breaks a little!) and he's 5. I think there's always phases for this, but it's obvious why when they were much younger it's the mother they look for - we provide comfort AND the all important breastmilk, all in one go :)
Rachel I agree 100% I am definitely for fun, and my wife is definitely for comfort. But this morning, after a rough night, he reached for me instead of her this morning. Maybe he read this? lol
They always know!!! Beware :)
The message is important, of course. But I would just like to commend your ref image sourcing here 😆
King og the Gifs! First of my name haha !
You sound like a great Dad, Marc.
And it's sad that the bar is so low. I agree that it is. And I think a lot of men are missing out.
I've also noticed that at first kids bond more with their mothers, and as they get older both parents are valued, and then, older again, devalued for awhile.
Sounds like I just need a bit of patience. But I agree with you - I think a lot of men are missing out. I wish society taught men us that being a present parent is harder than any labor you can do outside the house.
Harder, and incredibly rewarding.
I had an uncle who was a great man, and a great dad, and after he passed away, my cousin, his daughter, said "I miss him every second of every day."
Imagine earning that kind of love...
Both are true. The bar is low and I am a good dad. My wife and I come across this issue once in a while. She hates that when she does her thing she is doing her job, but when I doing my thing I am a hero. It’s unfair, but reality, and I acknowledge it. Hopefully this can change with our generation. I know I’m a good dad because my son loves me, and we laugh and have fun every single day. Breastfeeding is bananas, I actually wrote a piece about our experience on substack. I left the city to give my kid a different life and while his life is FANTASTIC, I have lost a lot of my social connections. I’m trying to build new ones now. I desperately am trying to find a network of young motivated fathers like myself. Making some progress but it’s slow going. The writing helps.
Shah, I appreciate you showing up in this way and sharing your experience. You are a great dad! You sound just like me. In my 30s, I am in a new place so it's hard to make friends. Even harder when you become a dad! The writing has helped so much. People don't talk about how lonely it can feel to be a parent.
committing to also reading some of your writing!
That’s very kind of you Marc. I hope you enjoy them. My writing is a bit all over the place but I try to keep it light.
And yes, our stories are quite similar!
This one really got me. Partly because I grieve for all the moms who hold the slack for the dads who aren't culturally encouraged/ required to fully show up. Partly because you are learning something you never got a template for, and that's heroic... the stuff that moves humanity in the right direction. The reason we have kids at all: to do a little (or a lot) better for the next generation. But also, I feel for you. You are such a committed father because you are such a committed partner. And to be so impressed by you sharing the parenting load feels kind of... demeaning. Of COURSE you show up for Myles and his mom in all the ways you possibly can. You are worthy, thoughtful, generous and capable. I wish all that didn't come as a surprise.
After having a son, I really believe deserting a mother with a child is a form of violence. I know that is really harsh, but that's where I'm at after being a dad for a little over a year. Parenting is so hard. No one should do this alone. I appreciate you, and your kindness. Still swooning on our first interactions when we met ❤️
I feel sort of guilty reading this because my husband is an AMAZING parent. Some of it is actually just he HAD to pick up the slack. I was supporting us for awhile. Now there’s just stuff he is good at that I am probably WORSE at. So my own failings actually made my husband a better parent! And this is good for the kids, I think? By being a worse parent, I was a better parent? At least in the sense they have the most involved father imaginable. He gives me credit for showing him the ropes but it is all second nature to him at this point. Paradoxical that by not being able to be supermom I was a better parent in the sense they now have superdad. But it does feel unfair that so many mothers don’t have this, and the burden is mostly on them to be and do everything.
Beautiful letter. I am not a father, but I am married to an excellent partner. The way I know is that my kids (older now) cry for him and wait to tell him stuff when he gets home from work. When the kids are babies, yes I am their go-to. I am the food source. I am the cuddly. But as their needs become more complex, and their people-problems more complicated (bullying, friends stuff, etc.) I am grateful to have a partner like that. And he also "parents" other peoples' sons too with his community work. It is quite extraordinary to see the trajectory of his fatherhood. He was different at kid 1, and he's different at kid 3. Better with time <3 <3 <3 Thanks Marc.
I loved the way you spoke so beautifully of your husband- I’m sure you tell him that all the time too. I love that though - better with time!
I try to maintain the strictest of boundaries and never write about my spouse. It's too mushy for my biting tone and taste. Maybe it's time to write him a letter.
Thank you for acknowledging how low the bar really is. But/And also for being a great father.
Appreciate you Juliana ❤️
The bar is low AND look what happens when you clear your own bar, the one that I know is at a different setting than society’s bar. Dad’s are so special and amazing when they fill out the edges of what that word can mean. My dad was one of those. You are one of those.
When you comment, thank you never feels like enough ❤️