I think this is the most recent mainstream centrist-leaning news piece on the subject of health disparities between Black and white mothers, including infant mortality rates. It’s disturbing, but not surprising that Black mothers have a 2.4 times higher infant mortality rate than white mothers inside a racial caste system:
I was going to put this same article as a footnote, but decided against it and let people explore on their own. But this was confirmation that I should of did that. Thank you Chandra, - I am going to pin this at the top. I appreciate you.
It’s a disgusting fact of life for black mothers in this country. Been talked about but resistance in the health delivery system (which let’s face it generally sucks for most women) choose not to address it because ‘where’s the profit’.
I’ve been at births including my own two and it can be harsh even looked over by the best care.
Thanks for Patris. Let’s just say the doctor that delivered Myles has a 0 star review next to his name whenever someone looks him up. I wouldn’t let him deliver my food if I had to.
We had just moved here from NY so I had no frame of reference except the insurance company. And I trusted only one of the three doctors in the practice (there’s a giveaway word). Only because I overheard him kindly trying to calm a crying patient who was sobbing during one of my early visits.
Within a year of our daughter’s birth he gave up medicine.
That’s so great. We did this with both our kids as infants - travelling to the only grandparent I’d ever got to meet. Both photos (3 years apart) she was frail but so delighted to hold them. 💙
What a blessing. I hope you celebrate that legacy as beautifully as you have this one. Glad you can immortalise both grandmothers in different ways. Myles is blessed to learn about honoring those who came before him in several painful and blissful ways.
This was beautiful. I don't know what I would have done without my mother while I was raising my son alone. I'm sorry your family will miss that piece of it.
To answer a couple of your questions, numbers 1 and 2.
1. Something special about my family tree is that for two years we had FIVE generations. Before my grandma passed at 94 years old, my granddaughter had a great grandma and a great-great grandma. Not many families get to say that! ❤️ We are pretty blessed to have 5-generation photos.
2. Holidays are very muted for me since 2020. That's the year my son died and ever since, I don't feel very festive. It seems pointless to pretend to be jolly.
Kristi, I see that you are holding both beauty and pain. I am sorry to hear what happened to your son. Thank you for sharing that with me and the community. I know it's been three years, but grief has no timeline - just wanted to say, please accept my condolences.
Another beautiful piece, Marc. Yes to experiencing #4, the grief of losing something you never had. It's called invisible loss (or ambiguous loss) and can apply to a lot of different situations. Mine came in the form of infertility (a child I never had but imagined) and divorce (a life I imagined that never came to be). Lots of pictures never taken, though in my case, I was able to insert new and different ones. I'm sorry for your family's loss of Myles' grandmother. 💕
Thank you for naming that. Thank you even more for sharing that. I love your play on the metaphor of pictures! First you picked up on the call back about the roots and weeds and now this! I’m happy you found these letters. You have an eye for the moves I’m making. I appreciate that about you!
I feel like this about my grandmother. I feel like she would have been a really valuable
Person to have around postpartum or even when they are bigger. She raised 7 children and it boggles my mind how she managed that now I know what it might entail.
My own mother is still alive but unfortunately we aren’t super close so I do feel in a way I am grieving the relationship I hoped I would have of my sons with her. She’s still around and there is still time for it to change but I doubt it will. I’ll definitely write about it all one day.
Thanks for this lovely post and congrats on the featured post 🙌🏻🙌🏻
I feel the same about my father sometimes. So much history and questions within our families I really wish I knew. Sometimes I doubt the growth but wonder if I’m centering my own feelings. Our kids(s) will have questions one day. How will we get the answers?
1. My grams too, she always spoke very lovingly about other women in her life, I swear I never heard her put down another woman besides the « god bless her » haha but she was a raiser. She didn’t speak on men in her life besides children raised into young men and was very about keeping vivid imagination alive and watered as you grow
2. Thanksgiving with you’ all :,) vibing out in the car ride back to Brooklyn
3. I think this about my line of work with birthgivers now. Listening, giving space and giving grace without judgement as much as possible. I think there is a huge disconnect then reconnect that often happens with new moms and their bodies and probably of more point than any other in life that feeling of what body is this, who’s body is this. And being in that space of réclamation is where I can share the most.
Bittersweet is most of the growth moments I remember from life. Moving away from everything I knew was the most important step for my growth, don’t quite want to go into specifics this morning but mainly about standing up for what I will and will not accept from people that claim to love who I am
YK spoken like a true healer. That was probably one of the best thanksgiving hands down. Grandma sounds so wonderful bro. Looking forward to you meeting your nephew one day.
Sorry to hear about your father Disney. Will be thinking of you and yours as the holidays pass. Be sure to take some time for yourself when and if you need it ❤️
Both my father's parents passed away long before I was born. My dad once told me I must have inherited my writing skill from his mother. I wish I'd had a chance to know her. My mom's mom passed when I was only 9. I was named for her, which means I was almost named Juliet but grandma legally changed her name before I was born. I am glad; I am not really a Juliet. But I wish I had more family history and more memories of my family. 😪
Pauline I know the feeling of wanting a deep family history. Our roots run so deep- it’s just hard to know where to look! Thanks for sharing that bit about your name. I’m name after someone I never met or knew!
This was beautiful, Marc. And I loved hearing you read it. Thank you for sharing this bittersweetness.
I’m a birth mother who adopted my daughter out when I was a teen. The grief around something I never experienced is familiar. Thank you for the opportunity to share that.
And I appreciate the reminder that Black women carry the burden of all kinds of increased risks around birth and postpartum. You helped me find this resource, focusing on centering Black maternal joy and addressing these disparities. https://nationalpartnership.org/report/black-womens-maternal-health/
Thank you for sharing that with us. I know in sharing our stories, it helps us all share and heal in someway. We are not alone. Shoutout to you for doing some homework. I debated giving a resource, but I knew people will find information when they are ready.
My son, lovingly, reminded me the other day: “Mommy I have more grandparents than you because I have 4 and you have zero.”
After I collected my jaw off the ground I thought about how fortunate I am that my son has his grandparents while also mourning the ones I never knew, or I didn’t get to know because an ocean separated us.
My maternal great grandparents on her father’s side arrived in Liberia in 1865 on the brig Cora from Barbados. My maternal grandmother was an indigenous Liberian woman of the Kpelle tribe.
My paternal grandmother was Americo-Liberian, a descendant of formerly enslaved Africans from America who would colonize Liberia. I don’t know much about my paternal grandfather because of the fractured relationship he and my dad had.
I carry a weight and a longing for the relationships I never had, and although I know they could never be replaced, learning about them and the lives they lived helps me feel connected to my lineage.
Myles will see his grandmother in the love of his mother and I know the love of family will be a balm of comfort and understanding.
Welly, I read this with such an affirmation. What a beautiful legacy that you can trace. Not sure I can go back that far. Your last line brought be a lot of warmth - thank you.
I love the unmitigated mouth a child yo - can you imagine if an adult fixed their lips to tell you something like that?
I acknowledge it's none of my business and I find I am curious about who Myles' grandmother was as a person.
I have become deeply interested in my ancestors and have been surprised to find what information falls into my lap about them since I started to look. I found a written account of my great great grandmother's childhood and her decision to immigrate. It is a sad and beautiful story that I am glad my daughters will know about their great great great grandmother.
Amy, thanks for sharing that with the community. I think in the future, I'll write to him about it for sure. You found a gem. How beautiful to have something so significant. In some way, these members of our family tree live on through these items. I love this for you.
everyday i get so sad my future kids wil never have pictures with their great grandmother who we lost this year and my aunt who passes away in 2015. all the pictures we’ll never have. thank you for sharing 💗
Zariel, I know these feelings all too well. I appreciate you sharing that with us. To be honest, these letters for me feels like I am writing my own eulogy. I know that sounds kind of dark, but I know tomorrow's not promise. This is my attempt to write myself in a future that I can't promise myself in. I wrote about this to Myles' not too long ago. Let me know your thoughts if you get around to reading it.
Beautiful piece, Marc. There were a few lines that choked me up a bit, to be honest. My mother-in-law passed away a few years ago. My daughter was around 18 months old and my son never had the chance to meet her. She exuded warmth and was such a bright, lively soul. Though she’s no longer with us, our home is filled with stories about “Angel Grandma” - especially around the holidays.
Thanks so much for sharing this. I think a lot about the fact that my kids never met my father. He died when I was sixteen, so my husband never met him either. A couple of weeks ago at a family event a man I'd never met looked across the room at me and said, "That must be one of Tom's daughters." I'm not aware that I look a lot like him, but clearly there's something there. He talked about my dad, and his stories got other people telling stories. My kids are home from college for the holiday and I was able to tell them these stories about their grandfather they'd never heard before. It was such a gift to meet this man. There aren't a lot of people left who knew my dad and it was like traveling back in time to hear about him as a much younger man. You're doing a wonderful thing for your son by writing about his family and taking photos. Someday he'll be very grateful for all you've preserved for him.
Tara, this is beautiful. How we are still able to connect to those who are lost through story telling. I hope you get to capture them someway. I think a lot about the legacy we leave behind. I’m hoping these words get to him. Thank you for your kind words ❤️
I think this is the most recent mainstream centrist-leaning news piece on the subject of health disparities between Black and white mothers, including infant mortality rates. It’s disturbing, but not surprising that Black mothers have a 2.4 times higher infant mortality rate than white mothers inside a racial caste system:
https://projects.apnews.com/features/2023/from-birth-to-death/black-women-maternal-mortality-rate.html
I was going to put this same article as a footnote, but decided against it and let people explore on their own. But this was confirmation that I should of did that. Thank you Chandra, - I am going to pin this at the top. I appreciate you.
It’s a disgusting fact of life for black mothers in this country. Been talked about but resistance in the health delivery system (which let’s face it generally sucks for most women) choose not to address it because ‘where’s the profit’.
I’ve been at births including my own two and it can be harsh even looked over by the best care.
Thanks for Patris. Let’s just say the doctor that delivered Myles has a 0 star review next to his name whenever someone looks him up. I wouldn’t let him deliver my food if I had to.
That’s infuriating.
We had just moved here from NY so I had no frame of reference except the insurance company. And I trusted only one of the three doctors in the practice (there’s a giveaway word). Only because I overheard him kindly trying to calm a crying patient who was sobbing during one of my early visits.
Within a year of our daughter’s birth he gave up medicine.
And so it goes
“I lost the joy of a picture I never got to take,” is a very powerful image.
We are taking Myles to meet my grandmother next week - she is 93, and I am camera ready.
That’s so great. We did this with both our kids as infants - travelling to the only grandparent I’d ever got to meet. Both photos (3 years apart) she was frail but so delighted to hold them. 💙
What a blessing. I hope you celebrate that legacy as beautifully as you have this one. Glad you can immortalise both grandmothers in different ways. Myles is blessed to learn about honoring those who came before him in several painful and blissful ways.
Maureen, thank you. I want to write about that experience but it was only right that the letter comes out first. Thank yo, again.
This was beautiful. I don't know what I would have done without my mother while I was raising my son alone. I'm sorry your family will miss that piece of it.
To answer a couple of your questions, numbers 1 and 2.
1. Something special about my family tree is that for two years we had FIVE generations. Before my grandma passed at 94 years old, my granddaughter had a great grandma and a great-great grandma. Not many families get to say that! ❤️ We are pretty blessed to have 5-generation photos.
2. Holidays are very muted for me since 2020. That's the year my son died and ever since, I don't feel very festive. It seems pointless to pretend to be jolly.
Kristi, I see that you are holding both beauty and pain. I am sorry to hear what happened to your son. Thank you for sharing that with me and the community. I know it's been three years, but grief has no timeline - just wanted to say, please accept my condolences.
Thank you Marc. And please accept my appreciation for the journey you're sharing with your son. It's a beautiful tribute that he will cherish! 😊
My heart hurts for you. I wish you strength to get through
Another beautiful piece, Marc. Yes to experiencing #4, the grief of losing something you never had. It's called invisible loss (or ambiguous loss) and can apply to a lot of different situations. Mine came in the form of infertility (a child I never had but imagined) and divorce (a life I imagined that never came to be). Lots of pictures never taken, though in my case, I was able to insert new and different ones. I'm sorry for your family's loss of Myles' grandmother. 💕
Thank you for naming that. Thank you even more for sharing that. I love your play on the metaphor of pictures! First you picked up on the call back about the roots and weeds and now this! I’m happy you found these letters. You have an eye for the moves I’m making. I appreciate that about you!
I feel like this about my grandmother. I feel like she would have been a really valuable
Person to have around postpartum or even when they are bigger. She raised 7 children and it boggles my mind how she managed that now I know what it might entail.
My own mother is still alive but unfortunately we aren’t super close so I do feel in a way I am grieving the relationship I hoped I would have of my sons with her. She’s still around and there is still time for it to change but I doubt it will. I’ll definitely write about it all one day.
Thanks for this lovely post and congrats on the featured post 🙌🏻🙌🏻
I feel the same about my father sometimes. So much history and questions within our families I really wish I knew. Sometimes I doubt the growth but wonder if I’m centering my own feelings. Our kids(s) will have questions one day. How will we get the answers?
1. My grams too, she always spoke very lovingly about other women in her life, I swear I never heard her put down another woman besides the « god bless her » haha but she was a raiser. She didn’t speak on men in her life besides children raised into young men and was very about keeping vivid imagination alive and watered as you grow
2. Thanksgiving with you’ all :,) vibing out in the car ride back to Brooklyn
3. I think this about my line of work with birthgivers now. Listening, giving space and giving grace without judgement as much as possible. I think there is a huge disconnect then reconnect that often happens with new moms and their bodies and probably of more point than any other in life that feeling of what body is this, who’s body is this. And being in that space of réclamation is where I can share the most.
Bittersweet is most of the growth moments I remember from life. Moving away from everything I knew was the most important step for my growth, don’t quite want to go into specifics this morning but mainly about standing up for what I will and will not accept from people that claim to love who I am
YK spoken like a true healer. That was probably one of the best thanksgiving hands down. Grandma sounds so wonderful bro. Looking forward to you meeting your nephew one day.
I lost my father just days after thanksgiving in 2019 so holidays have been bittersweet for me ever since. This was beautiful Marc.
Sorry to hear about your father Disney. Will be thinking of you and yours as the holidays pass. Be sure to take some time for yourself when and if you need it ❤️
Thank you brother 🩷
Both my father's parents passed away long before I was born. My dad once told me I must have inherited my writing skill from his mother. I wish I'd had a chance to know her. My mom's mom passed when I was only 9. I was named for her, which means I was almost named Juliet but grandma legally changed her name before I was born. I am glad; I am not really a Juliet. But I wish I had more family history and more memories of my family. 😪
Pauline I know the feeling of wanting a deep family history. Our roots run so deep- it’s just hard to know where to look! Thanks for sharing that bit about your name. I’m name after someone I never met or knew!
This was beautiful, Marc. And I loved hearing you read it. Thank you for sharing this bittersweetness.
I’m a birth mother who adopted my daughter out when I was a teen. The grief around something I never experienced is familiar. Thank you for the opportunity to share that.
And I appreciate the reminder that Black women carry the burden of all kinds of increased risks around birth and postpartum. You helped me find this resource, focusing on centering Black maternal joy and addressing these disparities. https://nationalpartnership.org/report/black-womens-maternal-health/
Thank you for sharing that with us. I know in sharing our stories, it helps us all share and heal in someway. We are not alone. Shoutout to you for doing some homework. I debated giving a resource, but I knew people will find information when they are ready.
My son, lovingly, reminded me the other day: “Mommy I have more grandparents than you because I have 4 and you have zero.”
After I collected my jaw off the ground I thought about how fortunate I am that my son has his grandparents while also mourning the ones I never knew, or I didn’t get to know because an ocean separated us.
My maternal great grandparents on her father’s side arrived in Liberia in 1865 on the brig Cora from Barbados. My maternal grandmother was an indigenous Liberian woman of the Kpelle tribe.
My paternal grandmother was Americo-Liberian, a descendant of formerly enslaved Africans from America who would colonize Liberia. I don’t know much about my paternal grandfather because of the fractured relationship he and my dad had.
I carry a weight and a longing for the relationships I never had, and although I know they could never be replaced, learning about them and the lives they lived helps me feel connected to my lineage.
Myles will see his grandmother in the love of his mother and I know the love of family will be a balm of comfort and understanding.
Welly, I read this with such an affirmation. What a beautiful legacy that you can trace. Not sure I can go back that far. Your last line brought be a lot of warmth - thank you.
I love the unmitigated mouth a child yo - can you imagine if an adult fixed their lips to tell you something like that?
Listen, kids are R E C K L E S S 😂
I acknowledge it's none of my business and I find I am curious about who Myles' grandmother was as a person.
I have become deeply interested in my ancestors and have been surprised to find what information falls into my lap about them since I started to look. I found a written account of my great great grandmother's childhood and her decision to immigrate. It is a sad and beautiful story that I am glad my daughters will know about their great great great grandmother.
Amy, thanks for sharing that with the community. I think in the future, I'll write to him about it for sure. You found a gem. How beautiful to have something so significant. In some way, these members of our family tree live on through these items. I love this for you.
everyday i get so sad my future kids wil never have pictures with their great grandmother who we lost this year and my aunt who passes away in 2015. all the pictures we’ll never have. thank you for sharing 💗
Zariel, I know these feelings all too well. I appreciate you sharing that with us. To be honest, these letters for me feels like I am writing my own eulogy. I know that sounds kind of dark, but I know tomorrow's not promise. This is my attempt to write myself in a future that I can't promise myself in. I wrote about this to Myles' not too long ago. Let me know your thoughts if you get around to reading it.
https://raisingmyles.substack.com/p/just-in-case-god-pulls-the-plug-and
i understand that and it’s a beautiful gift to be able to tell your story in that way. will definitely be checking it out. thank you
Beautiful piece, Marc. There were a few lines that choked me up a bit, to be honest. My mother-in-law passed away a few years ago. My daughter was around 18 months old and my son never had the chance to meet her. She exuded warmth and was such a bright, lively soul. Though she’s no longer with us, our home is filled with stories about “Angel Grandma” - especially around the holidays.
Digging your work here, Marc. Thanks for this!
Sorry to hear about your MIL. Storytelling is so powerful. This is my attempt to capture it all. Again, thanks for reading and sharing!
It sure is. And I’m also very sorry to hear about your loss. 🙏
You’re welcome. Keep up the excellent work!
Thanks so much for sharing this. I think a lot about the fact that my kids never met my father. He died when I was sixteen, so my husband never met him either. A couple of weeks ago at a family event a man I'd never met looked across the room at me and said, "That must be one of Tom's daughters." I'm not aware that I look a lot like him, but clearly there's something there. He talked about my dad, and his stories got other people telling stories. My kids are home from college for the holiday and I was able to tell them these stories about their grandfather they'd never heard before. It was such a gift to meet this man. There aren't a lot of people left who knew my dad and it was like traveling back in time to hear about him as a much younger man. You're doing a wonderful thing for your son by writing about his family and taking photos. Someday he'll be very grateful for all you've preserved for him.
Tara, this is beautiful. How we are still able to connect to those who are lost through story telling. I hope you get to capture them someway. I think a lot about the legacy we leave behind. I’m hoping these words get to him. Thank you for your kind words ❤️
I subscribe to PBS and can stream Finding Your Roots. Henry Louis Gates is a treasure. I learn so much about history and people and life.
"I lost the joy of a picture I never even got to take"
When someone gonna ask me "Who hurted you?".
It's this line. So beautiful and so sad. We should definitely take the picture while we can.