That's it. The forgiveness and acceptance and compassion-- and the willingness to stop singing that old tune even though the lyrics will be in your head forever.
Less about [them] and more about me...Every single time. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting.
It's never easy to reclaim what was taken from us, or to create what we never had. But, as you say, the possibility is always there.
The immediacy of this one, pouring out while you're going through the motions of the everyday, needing to be freed into the world to become what it needs to become. Just right, Marc.
I find it very difficult to forgive without understanding the person. It's hard for me to forgive if someone simply did something wrong. I often try to make excuses for people so as to simplify forgiveness but it's never really so easy. I've found relief in just accepting that people do things that are wrong, just as I do. The same way I can't make an excuse, they also can't. The same way I want to be forgiven, they also can.
I listened to this on my walk to work this morning and I loved it so much. So many parts I loved: Time to let it go, note in my piano … I want to say I’m proud of your growth but I don’t want it to sound patronizing. But I am proud. And inspired. What grudges am I holding that I need to let go?
Thank you so much, my sister. I'm sure we all have some refrains that we need to let go of. Sometimes I think that's something our faith requires of us.
Marc, I continue to love your audio and your sentiment and wisdom. That old tune, though, it’s so familiar. So foundational on some levels. At least for me.
Forgiveness can be so hard. I have found that forgiveness is not for "them" but for you. When you offer someone your forgiveness, you get to set down the pain and hurt. You don't condone their behavior, but you let go of the pain. It can be really hard to get there, it took me almost 50 years with my mom. But there is a freedom in forgiveness.
There is a saying in Buddhism, Anger is poison that you swallow, expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness releases the poison from you.
Parenting is hard, both as the parent and as the child. We're all doing the best we can.
I'm learning more and everyday. And being a parent now has forced me to really dig even deeper. Things I thought I buried have found new life. Freedom in forgiveness indeed - in that there is also a new opportunity too.
I am loving the idea of incorporating voice notes into your letters. I was listening to it while reading the transcript at the same time and the pauses and tensions and exhales added a different experience to the poem for me. I also liked hearing the sounds of the driving and shuffling about like we are joining you in your day. I have often felt self conscious about narrating my writing out loud on Substack but the idea of a voice note while going about my day sounds more accessible to me so maybe I will give it a shot some time.
Regarding your questions on forgiveness, I sometimes experience forgiveness as accepting the other person's humanity and context that lead them to act the way they did (even if I may not always fully understand it) without minimizing their role in the hurt but without also ruminating over it either. Other times I see at as different from that as too often I have been socialized to in my culture to "not rock the boat" and that can partly show up as rushing forgiveness before one has even begun processing the hurt.
This one hit me really hard, Marc. I have some forgiving to do, and I can tell I'll never be the mother I want to be if I hold onto anger. Forgiveness is for nobody but ourselves. Your words had me considering this, too: we can only go as deep with people as we have had to go. So whatever we've suffered is our path to understanding. Maybe if I think of those let-downs as gifts, I could release them more easily. Will report back :)
I feel like forgiving a parent becomes difficult when your eyes fully haven’t opened to their humanity. We grow up seeing them to be our hero and when we see the imperfections start to reveal themselves, it can be a shock. My therapist once said that you go through a grieving process of who you thought your parent was to the reality of who they are.
Forgiveness is first a choice in the mind to let go, to want to move forward and then a process follows where time allows that hurt to not hurt as much. What has helped me navigate the forgiveness process is looking at the dynamics of how God forgives us, we forgive ourselves and forgiving others.
The only way to really distinguish someone wanting to give vs their capacity to give in a relationship is by their verbalization, anything else is speculation. We can think they have the capacity and because it may not be moving on our timeline then it appears that they don’t want to or they are giving their best and it still falls short of what we need. It’s definitely tough and I think being as specific as possible about your needs to the person can help decipher.
I have an aunt, my mothers sister, who I refuse to forgive. Not only did she hurt me, she hurt my mom and my brother in a myriad of ways. The latest hurt surrounds the death of my mother 3 years ago. It's very sensitive for me and I refuse to forgive her at LEAST until I have a chance to confront her. Everyone tells me to just let it go but I can't until she understands exactly what she did. She's used to getting away with hirt she's caused but it's not happening with me. I think it's very mature of you to take this stance about your own father.
I feel you. For me it's my grandparents, my mum's parents. But I will not confront them, I actually refuse to do so. They caused so much damage and still do today. My mum is now dead and they keep hurting their other daughter. I cannot let it go and forgive them. And I'm okay with it to be honest. But I understand people who can forgive But in that instance I am not of them.
I have been thinking of this so much the past few days. Without forgiveness things remain so gripped and unmoving.
100% family. It’s a hard truth. But it’s the only way to really move forward - I think.
So true. And there are always positive ripples from an action like that.
That's it. The forgiveness and acceptance and compassion-- and the willingness to stop singing that old tune even though the lyrics will be in your head forever.
Less about [them] and more about me...Every single time. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting.
It's never easy to reclaim what was taken from us, or to create what we never had. But, as you say, the possibility is always there.
The immediacy of this one, pouring out while you're going through the motions of the everyday, needing to be freed into the world to become what it needs to become. Just right, Marc.
Possibility is exactly what I am trying to create here. Even though it's hard - I know it starts with me.❤️
💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I find it very difficult to forgive without understanding the person. It's hard for me to forgive if someone simply did something wrong. I often try to make excuses for people so as to simplify forgiveness but it's never really so easy. I've found relief in just accepting that people do things that are wrong, just as I do. The same way I can't make an excuse, they also can't. The same way I want to be forgiven, they also can.
Love the way you put that. People are capable of doing wrong things just like us. And that’s why I try my best to always give grace. Appreciate you
I listened to this on my walk to work this morning and I loved it so much. So many parts I loved: Time to let it go, note in my piano … I want to say I’m proud of your growth but I don’t want it to sound patronizing. But I am proud. And inspired. What grudges am I holding that I need to let go?
Thank you so much, my sister. I'm sure we all have some refrains that we need to let go of. Sometimes I think that's something our faith requires of us.
Marc, I continue to love your audio and your sentiment and wisdom. That old tune, though, it’s so familiar. So foundational on some levels. At least for me.
To tomorrow.
Thank you so much, Holly. I think all of us have some refrain that just keeps playing in our life for sure.
Forgiveness can be so hard. I have found that forgiveness is not for "them" but for you. When you offer someone your forgiveness, you get to set down the pain and hurt. You don't condone their behavior, but you let go of the pain. It can be really hard to get there, it took me almost 50 years with my mom. But there is a freedom in forgiveness.
There is a saying in Buddhism, Anger is poison that you swallow, expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness releases the poison from you.
Parenting is hard, both as the parent and as the child. We're all doing the best we can.
I'm learning more and everyday. And being a parent now has forced me to really dig even deeper. Things I thought I buried have found new life. Freedom in forgiveness indeed - in that there is also a new opportunity too.
“But it is one thing to know and another thing to feel”
This gutted me with its accuracy.
I am loving the idea of incorporating voice notes into your letters. I was listening to it while reading the transcript at the same time and the pauses and tensions and exhales added a different experience to the poem for me. I also liked hearing the sounds of the driving and shuffling about like we are joining you in your day. I have often felt self conscious about narrating my writing out loud on Substack but the idea of a voice note while going about my day sounds more accessible to me so maybe I will give it a shot some time.
Regarding your questions on forgiveness, I sometimes experience forgiveness as accepting the other person's humanity and context that lead them to act the way they did (even if I may not always fully understand it) without minimizing their role in the hurt but without also ruminating over it either. Other times I see at as different from that as too often I have been socialized to in my culture to "not rock the boat" and that can partly show up as rushing forgiveness before one has even begun processing the hurt.
This one hit me really hard, Marc. I have some forgiving to do, and I can tell I'll never be the mother I want to be if I hold onto anger. Forgiveness is for nobody but ourselves. Your words had me considering this, too: we can only go as deep with people as we have had to go. So whatever we've suffered is our path to understanding. Maybe if I think of those let-downs as gifts, I could release them more easily. Will report back :)
This letter is timely 😌
I feel like forgiving a parent becomes difficult when your eyes fully haven’t opened to their humanity. We grow up seeing them to be our hero and when we see the imperfections start to reveal themselves, it can be a shock. My therapist once said that you go through a grieving process of who you thought your parent was to the reality of who they are.
Forgiveness is first a choice in the mind to let go, to want to move forward and then a process follows where time allows that hurt to not hurt as much. What has helped me navigate the forgiveness process is looking at the dynamics of how God forgives us, we forgive ourselves and forgiving others.
The only way to really distinguish someone wanting to give vs their capacity to give in a relationship is by their verbalization, anything else is speculation. We can think they have the capacity and because it may not be moving on our timeline then it appears that they don’t want to or they are giving their best and it still falls short of what we need. It’s definitely tough and I think being as specific as possible about your needs to the person can help decipher.
I have an aunt, my mothers sister, who I refuse to forgive. Not only did she hurt me, she hurt my mom and my brother in a myriad of ways. The latest hurt surrounds the death of my mother 3 years ago. It's very sensitive for me and I refuse to forgive her at LEAST until I have a chance to confront her. Everyone tells me to just let it go but I can't until she understands exactly what she did. She's used to getting away with hirt she's caused but it's not happening with me. I think it's very mature of you to take this stance about your own father.
I feel you. For me it's my grandparents, my mum's parents. But I will not confront them, I actually refuse to do so. They caused so much damage and still do today. My mum is now dead and they keep hurting their other daughter. I cannot let it go and forgive them. And I'm okay with it to be honest. But I understand people who can forgive But in that instance I am not of them.
Yep, I'm on the same vibe you on.